I drowned myself so a hot Life Gaurd would hold me.

So this happened when I was 10 I think. I could always swim and I went to vacation with friends family.

I went beach and saw this hot life gaurd. I’d never felt so enamored by another man before. I wanted him to hold me. I tried talking to him but he was distant and focused.

(Which makes sense considered i was a f****** 10 year old and he was doing a life saving job)

However even then, he was sweet and patient and I remember he said he liked anime and that was all I needed. I think he was maybe 17.

He was also very warm despite his focus. I could tell in a normal conversation he was probably even more so. I never had a problem flirting with girls. It was so easy it was boring even at 10. It wouldn’t be anything weird but I like your hair we should go watch the new transformers, stuff like that. But he felt so untouchable it made me want to try harder.

So I kept thinking of ways to get his attention and I decided to drown myself. Not as a joke though. I went underwater and took a breath. It felt so bad and I was panicking so much I end up flailing like I was really drowning.

Which I guess I was.

So it’s really painful, salt water in my eyes and my lungs and I feel like throwing up and I’m forgetting how to swim or stay boyant. It only lasted for maybe 15 seconds.

Eventually I was rescued. Not by the guy but by some teenage girl really close by. She was like 16 and apparently the only one that noticed something was wrong. My friend said I was lucky I got saved and got cpr or whatever about her being hot but I was so disappointed.

I am and was attracted to women but that was not what I wanted. I was disappointed. And drowning hurt so much. I asked my friend not to tell his parents. (He knew about the plan)

Idk I don’t really feel guilty I feel annoyed that I know what drowning feels like. But I do feel guilty that I could have been saved while someone who was really drowning needed help.

Also the parents are not at fault they’ve watched me swim laps around them and I purposely went within the 5 minutes they went to get us snacks. My friends older sister was watching us and I purposely went where she couldn’t watch me and her brother at the same time.

Luckily the lady that saved me took me to her umbrella thing so his sister couldn’t see.

I barfed up water and could have died from infection but I got lucky I guess since I didn’t tell anyone so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I’m told it helps it was salt water tho.