-even if english is not my mother language, only english can express my feelings- i'm a person with ocd the intrusive thoughts. i suffre from depression

3 years

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-even if english is not my mother language, only english can express my feelings-
i’m a person with ocd the intrusive thoughts.
i suffre from depression because of it.
and my thoughs are fighting were i should kil myself or live.
i have no one, my mother who raised me id dead since 2016, no dad, and my biological mother to this day i’m still couraging my self to meet her and my step brother…. idk even if they r alive or something i know just their adresse..
my family’s thinking i’m a fool and a “nothing” to them. and waiting for me to screw it to throw every thing on me.
my family is a bunch of liars and i know everything they hide from me but they’re playing the angle role.
i wanna kil my self so i can die with their secrets.
there is no way to the outside, i’m here sitting writing my confession to the world, not knowing if i will make it any soon..
suicide is bad idea, but some where, deep inside of me i know it’s the better solution to stop the hell felling i feel know, i feel nothing, not happy and not sad, or mad or whatever the hell it is.
i just wanna make it stop, no one hears me out there, no matter how much i try.
i don’t deserve this life, i deserve the hell, nothing in the half.

only one thing still stoping from doing it, is to go and meet them, talk to them and solve the misunderstandings. i wanna meet my bio mother and my step brother, maybe she will be happy to finally meet her daughter.
so i can reste in peace

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