I have my suicide planned out. I almost went through with it yesterday but held on to the fact that I had work today and people counting on me, same thing tonight, just holding on for work tomorrow. Then I have a week off and that’s when I think something bad will happen. I’ve organised it that my animals will be looked after. Figured out a way that it won’t be my housemates or family who find me. That they’ll be warned to not enter the location and call the police instead, long after I’m gone. Next to no chance of survival. The people closest to me will hurt, I know that. But they’ll understand. They’ve seen me struggle for so long that they will take solace in knowing I’m not in pain anymore, and my nieces and nephews are too young to remember me so I’d rather do it now so I don’t hurt them. Because I know it’s going to happen eventually so I’m glad they won’t miss me.
I’ve tried everything, meds, psych, ect, I was 8yo when I first tried to kms. 20 years on and I’m still here but I’m living for other people and holding on because of guilt. But I’m done. I’m happy that I tried, I tried so hard and did all the work and I really put effort into trying to live. But now I’m happy that my fight is finally over. I can breathe now knowing that it’s all going to end. I’m actually smiling writing this. Death comes for us all and this time I’m welcoming it with open arms like a warm hug. I’m not scared, I’m relieved.