February 4th 2023- 5:24 am

I don’t really know what this is, I don’t know what I want it to be. I’ve had an epiphany, I’m tired. Tired of pretending to be fine, tired of disrespecting my family who expect so much from me (as they should), tired of trying to keep going and hating myself. I look in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach, I don’t know the person in the reflection. I see a failure, with no plan, no future— a leech — dragging everyone down. She looks like a shell. I see old picture of me in my phone and I long to be that person again, who was truly happy and not faking it, who loves life and the valleys and mountains that come with it.

Right now I have no idea who I am.

I wish I could revert to the six year old me who was being abused and hurt, just so I could escape myself right now. I’m beginning to think I was right all those times I decided to end it but failed. If I had died then, I wouldn’t feel the pain of being a burden right now, a leak sinking the ship.

I’m trying, I have been trying for months with no success, with no improvement at all. I hide it well but I think I’m dying slowly. My heart is dying, and I don’t know how to stop it.