I've always wondered, how does my mother know the perfect way to drive me insane every single time I see her? Day after day, I feel the greatest emotional

3 years

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I’ve always wondered, how does my mother know the perfect way to drive me insane every single time I see her?
Day after day, I feel the greatest emotional burnout after simply talking to her.
I am 25 now, an age where I’m supposed to be mature enough to leave all of these childhood and parental burdens behind. But god, every time I stay with my mother, her entire existence reminds me of why I was suicidal as a teenager and had to cry myself to sleep every day.
She is 54, a walking definition of emotional immaturity. Ever since I was little, I have had to pay extra attention to her mood, so I wouldn’t get yelled at or shoved around. The emotional abuse continued over a decade and worsened after she took me to Canada. She blamed everything on me. I still have to go through enormous anxiety and constant fear as long as we stay within driving distance. Even the tiniest thing seems to upset her and results in a huge lash-out: The neighbours got a new water filer, I misheard a sentence she said half an hour ago, the bank required extra measures for her transactions… The list goes on and on.
I am just so tired of it all. So tired of her ruthless comments and b*******. I’ve been fighting so hard to combat the eating disorder she gave me. It was the summer of 2019, She called me “too fat” and hired three personal trainers so I could lose weight. I was 168cm and around 70kg, when she called me a pig, a brick wall, and some other slurs. I lost 20kg in the span of 8 weeks and have been stuck with worsening bulimia for the past three years. I really can’t deal with her dramatic mood swings anymore.
I don’t know how to keep going. I tried so hard to encourage myself to do more and do better. But nothing was ever enough for her. She praises herself for being the non-typical Asian parents for tiny things like allowing me to swear (because her swearwords are way much worse) and allowing me to stay at my own place throughout the semester. Every time she says this, every time I see her narcissistic face when talking about it, I WANT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER just so I can prove her wrong.
I hate myself. I hate everything about her. I hate the fact that I came out of her. I hate the possibility that I might one day be like her.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m so tired.

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