I don’t know where to start this. I’m a guy, I’m 21. I have so much anger inside me and I don’t know what to do with it and I know this isn’t going to end well.
I resent my house mate, he was diagnosed with bipolar and every episode he had I was put through as well as his ‘rock’. I was expected to be strong enough for us both, even when he’s asking me to hurt him, to hit him, cutting his wrists in front of me, telling me how terrible a person I am, asking me for permission to kill himself, listening to him OD outside my bedroom door with my girlfriend laying asleep and oblivious next to me. He thanks me for it and apologises now, now that he’s though the worst part of it, and he calls me his best friend and I have to live with him and pretend I don’t resent him for everything he put me through and pretend he’s my best friend too, even though i was going to lay there listening to him OD, pretending to be asleep, until it was over, all those months ago now. Because that way it wouldn’t have been my fault.
Now my girlfriend and I are having problems, she trusted me and I betrayed her, she found out I’d been sending pictures to girls on my phone. I accept it, I’ve taken that and everything along with it, all her upset and anger and distrust toward me now, I’ve taken that because we’re both willing to fix things. Only it doesn’t help when she’s already on anti-depressants and was incredibly paranoid even before this. She’s getting over it slowly but every night I’m not with her, every night I’m at my house instead of hers she panics and gets angry and we argue, and I can’t do anything and I’m in no position to tell her how to get over it.
Any anger I feel gets pushed down, everything from my housemate is pushed down because I had to be strong then, all the resentment for him now is pushed down otherwise he’ll relapse, all the anger I feel at myself for ruining my relationship is pushed down because I have no right to show it, any anger I feel at her for making me feel worse than I’m making myself feel is pushed down because I have no right to be angry at her over this.
I have to do something with it because I can feel every day I’m getting more and more aggressive. I’m seen as this controlled, modest, logical person who’s never cracked before and doesn’t show emotions about things but now it’s getting dangerously close to breaking.
I don’t know what to do now, I might be fine tomorrow, until the next argument, or the one after that but it will break at some point.