Ive been thinking about suicide,Ive thought about it before. I think everyone thinks about it but… Idk. I don’t think I would ever go through with it but I do oddly just wish I could be over in a way, at least with this chapter. I just cant stand my life and how its been these last few years.
Ive been stuck in this dead end town for most of my life, I finally got a chance to live when I went to SF last year for school but a year later I got dragged back here cause I can’t afford to live anywhere else aside from my mom’s. It’s nice being back home in a way, seeing the friends who stayed in town, but at the same time I just want to leave. My parents are divorced and fight all the time over stupid s*** like trying selling the house. My dad is a drunk fucker who has chosen the bottle over his family multiple times, this last time he got in an accident and nearly died. For about two weeks we didn’t know if he was going to make it or not due to his injuries, and I didn’t feel sad or upset that my dad had a chance dying. In an awful fucked up way I kinda hoped he would, it would have made my life and my mom’s life easier. When he got better I hated those thoughts. I thought I was fucked up in the head for thinking that.
I’m living with my mom, doing online schooling for college and am stuck in the house all day working on school. I hear my friends who are working rather then studying are doing well, they work a few days a week, make decent money, and have less stress. For them it’s just work, pay bills, relax. I have to worry about school deadlines, passing classes, filling out papers. I in a way just want to take a break from school but every time I mention it my mom gets pissed off at me telling me I am throwing my life away and in a way she is right.
The town I am in is small, smaller then 8000 , grey, depressing, foggy, and cold. I have never had a real girlfriend, that is a physical one. I did meet a girl online a few months back and I really loved her but she did not feel the same and decided to go silent on me one day. I have never met a girl in my town who I liked and felt the same way about me. Nearly all the girls in town are either taken or b****** or sluts. It almost a year since I was forced to move back, and I am still here upset.
I haven’t been happy in a while, I wear a mask of being happy go lucky and when I am with my friends sometimes I feel less stressed but I am constantly feeling sad. I just want to be happy. I am a 20 year old Virgin who just wants to change his life and be happy but society refuses to let him. I try to break away but I keep getting pulled back in. I’m just so tired of everything. I just wish it would change. I almost feel like just saying f*** it and leaving everything behind, my friends my family, both my drunk dad, and my mom and sister who love and care about me. I just don’t know what to do anymore.