Life struggle.

Jealous. Not really that jealous, because it’s like… it’s like I envy what the young people have, but at the same time, I recognize like they’re doing what is right from their way of seeing things. Like I could never do it like that because I’m just not connected to things in that way.

I keep running into this same issue…. when my room and clothes and s*** are filthy… I end up getting exhausted… I know it sounds retarded. I hate it so much. But basically, I end up getting tired and exhausted and I sit around and I am like, why the f*** am I so tired I feel like I can’t even get up to work. I am eating well, I am trying to sleep, I am going for walks, I am trying everything to keep myself healthy, why the f*** am I passing out at 7PM and sleeping until like 2AM and then struggling all night.. and then during the day I don’t go to work because I’m exhausted. Why is this happening..

Then I start to pick things up and wipe down everything, floors, walls, furniture, clean everything in my room, and it virtually entirely clears up. It confuses the f*** out of me, because I’m not even thinking about how things are dirty, yet I am passing out but after I clean everything, it’s like I can breathe clear again and then I am more alert and naturally I am just doing things.

It’s extremely confusing….

I drank some wine… I feel kind of like floaty sort of… floaty wine feeling.. -_- kekekekekekekeke lol

But for real man, it’s beyond a f****** struggle man. Nobody recognizes it.. not even f****** me! I don’t even f****** recognize it.. It’s usually like days later when I am like, why the f*** am I so exhausted all the time… I don’t know the real actual reason.. but whenever I clean the f*** out of everything, I can breathe freely and I am just more energized and able to do things. I know it makes no sense, but I am telling you, as far as I can tell, this is not a conscious process on my behalf.. it’s usually days later when I am like what the f*** is going on….

I’ve miss probably like a week’s worth of work… and I am f****** dying I could use that extra $250 right now… f*** man.. it makes me feel so bad. I am so stressed..

Good luck… be safety…