I just want to start or be in a band. A punk band like Fall out boy or My Chemical Romance, and I want to write all my own songs and be the lead singer who is considered this really cute looking girl but then you hear me sing and see me perform and realize I can be a total bad a**. And I don’t want like the romantic version of a band. I want it all, all the hardships that come with it, the really hard start where you’re all barely making ends meet and are struggling to survive and just bouncing from bar to bar hoping someone will let you perform and then the excitement of getting discovered even if it doesn’t happen until I’m 30 or 40 or 100! And then the struggle to stay grounded and stay true to ourselves and the family like bonds you make with the other band members and just everything! Everything that happens when you fight to become successful and stay successful.

But this can never happen to me. If it was just my life I would do this in a heartbeat. But its not. My mom has no job and feels like a failure and my sister is depressed and they both blame themselves for everything. My mom sacrificed so much to get me into university and fought to keep us safe and even went hungry and wore old torn clothes so that she could buy us all gifts and the nicest clothes and everything we didn’t ask for. And now I’m messing it up, and I’m failing and I’m trying so hard to fix this but I feel so useless and worthless and unmotivated. Everyone keeps saying its up to me; if I can stay in university and keep my loan then my family will make it otherwise we’ll have to declare bankruptcy and move into a one bedroom and get jobs and basically have the s***** lifestyle my mom has worked so hard to keep us away from. And its all going to be my fault because I can’t do it. I’m depressed and anxious and I can’t tell anyone because all my friends have their own problems and I don’t want them to judge me and I don’t want to tell mom the whole truth because she will blame herself for my short comings and failures. And I just don’t know what to do!

I guess what I’m really saying is; I want to runaway to a place where I never existed and start over.