So today, after 27 years on this planet I finally feels what a heartbreak feels like. Numb, crying, vomit and fever and all that. Having witness heartbreak and pain in relationships since young has made me so protective of myself. Running away from relationships, breaking away before any feelings come into the picture and being so fixated on the partners flaws that I have the perfect reason to trick myself into pushing them away.
Unknown to me I got myself into deep s*** with someone 5 years younger than me. A casual relationship. Simple and easy with no strings attached. Well, that backfire horribly. The deal was if he found someone else that he wants to get in a relationship with, then we will stop seeing each other. Fast forward 5 months, imagining seeing him with someone else start hurting. I did not grasp that all the time spent together having fun doing random activities has made me so attached to him, missing him and longing when he is not there. I finally realize its best to stop seeing each other as we have no intention to be together in the future. So I propose an end date, 3 months from now to slowly let him go and he agreed. However, he come to my place the next day with a load of hickeys from another person. Thats when I know, I wouldn’t last another 3 months as I feel dirty.
I told him on that day itself we need to stop today! He was sad and that’s when I realize, s***, he is attached too. Which makes it effing harder as all kinds of hope that we do have a future comes in mind. But no, in reality we really do not have that intention, him especially more.
We spend the whole day trying to say goodbye, goodbye kisses, cuddles and s** of course. There was no solution for this. But the eff up part was when he teared. S***!
But we stick to it. It’s the next day now and knowing the fact that I can’t see him again or touch him anymore makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t take it anymore but one thing I’m forever grateful for is I only experience this when I’m mature enough to not do anything stupid. The thought that crosses my mind to do something hurtful is just that, thoughts. Deliciously tempting till my body tingles and nerves hurt but I can’t. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry and when it’s all over, I will try to get up back again. I will try to accept it but for now writing this is the only way I can detox myself a little bit from hurting too much.