I’ve been a solitary person for as long as I can remember. Friendships have come and gone, and I’ve never cared for romance. When I was a teenager I had a boyfriend for two weeks. I broke up with him because I prefered to be alone than with him. Intimacy is not for me either. I’ve had s** six times, with three different men and it was not enjoyable. I don’t know if its hormonal, psychological or even pathological, but I don’t have s** drive.

I can be very affectionate and feel emotionally close to other people, so its not as if I can’t love. Men and women do not interest me in a romantic sense. I accept it and for the most part I enjoy being on my own. When I contemplate my future, I don’t picture myself married or living with someone. Although I live in a country where single women are considered anomalies and are marginalized as defective, I think it is better to stay true to myself than to force situations just to find a partner and be like everyone else.

I do however, value friendship. As you can guess by now, I am not a popular person. I have pleasant relations with my co-workers, neighbors and former schoolmates. We talk, sometimes we go out for dinner and have a nice time, but as far as meaningful friends go, I only have one.

She and I have been friends since we were little. We bonded over the fact that we are both socially awkward, somewhat lonely and the mutual support we have offered each other over the years. I am a four years older than her, but our friendship quickly got at a point where age difference and different living situations didn’t matter.

I was very proud of that friendship. While all my other relationships failed or stayed superficial, this one was something I was “good at”. I was not going to be completely alone if we could continue sharing our secrets, talking and having fun together.

Now my friend has a boyfriend and the relationship is quite promising. I am very happy for her, because I know that unlike me, she didn’t want to be single and alone for life. The guy she is with is intelligent and kind to her, so I am genuinely happy for her.

I have to accept the fact that now that she has him I am going to move onto a second spot in her life. I celebrate her happiness but my heart is broken. Now I am truly alone. No one to talk to, no one to listen to, just my two cats and I. I feel so pathetic and inadequate, but I know I am not going to be happy with romance either. I ask myself if I truly want to try to find a boyfriend, to date, to go out, to have s** and share my thoughts with…and the answer is no.

I have to prepare myself for the future and just see the positive side…but I will miss my friend so much. I am 27, all my colleagues and former schoolmates are married, planning to marry soon, have children and a clear sense of direction. While I do not want to have what they have, I wish I could at least have kept my friend. That was all I needed to feel happy and content. Now that she has moved on…I guess I will truly be alone. Hopefully I’ll be strong enough for that.