I hate that this is what I have left to talk to. I'm getting panic attacks more and more lately. I'm so tired. I'm sick of being alive. The only help I

4 years

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I hate that this is what I have left to talk to. I’m getting panic attacks more and more lately. I’m so tired. I’m sick of being alive. The only help I can imagine getting is unavailable due to circumstance. I want to talk to my friends but I feel like I’ll drive them away. I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel normal. I’m constantly terrified I’m gonna be all alone one day. I’m the only one who initiates plans with practically everyone I know. While I don’t have to coerce people into spending time with me, no one ever suggests it. I’m so tired of feeling lonely. I’m so tired of feeling like a problem. I want to die, but I can’t even do that. I hate being alive.

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Nobody cares about me and I wish no one had ever lied and said they did. It hurts so much some days that I can barely breathe. I don’t know how to break away from being dependent and learn how to show up for myself when everyone else has always failed to. I don’t know how anyone does anything. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it in this world alone and I hate myself for it. I am a leech and a burden.