6/7/2022
i will never get over you
i don’t think i love you but i don’t know why i’m still thinking about you with an empty feeling in my chest. i ended things, in a very mean, harsh way. I know i hurt you, but you moved on. and i’m so so so happy for you. you found a perfect, kind, smart, beautiful, outgoing, caring girl, and all i can do is watch and try to be happy for you bc my turn with you is done. the hurting is done. but in my heart you’ll always be mine. I was too immature to give you what you wanted, and needed, and deserved, and I’m so sorry for making you question and doubt yourself. you deserve to be uplifted and listened to and to be someone’s number one choice. I’ll never talk to you again so I’ll never know if you hate me or not. but if i could say one thing to you, I’d tell you that you deserve to have the world and that i’m sorry i could never give it to you.

9/4/2022
I do love you. Or I did and that’s why I still want you. Or is that lingering love. Or my hoping that if I wasn’t so immature that we would be together right now. In love and young and mapping our future together. I write to you now in letters you’ll never see so I can understand myself. My only explanation for myself is that I was immature and scared. Scared of someone caring for me to such a great degree as you did. Or was I scared like a child. Scared of something new I wasn’t used to so I ran. I kept you as close as I wanted you until what you had to offer was no longer needed. I knew you’d stay through it all so I played. Like a baby until my attention was drawn else where. It’s been a year and I still think of you. Of your smile and laugh and how you stand with your shoulder slanted. You’re hair and your goofy ears. It’s fine when I’m at school with my new friends and new toys to play with. But when I come home to lingering remittances of you in our friends and their lives, the thoughts come back and that weighing feeling in my chest returns. I still hope that you care about me.
When I throw parties at my house and you can’t even get yourself to come. It hurts to know you hate me so much you can’t even stand to see anything close to a memory of me. I know you hate me yet I still want you. Is this what you felt every time I ignored you and casted you aside?
You have a new girlfriend, not really new at this point now but you’re going to the same college as her. She wants to break up to know if you’re “really the one for her” but you won’t do that. You love her too much to let her go. You say you’ll block her and never speak to her again if she breaks up with you. I hope I didn’t do that to you. I hope I didn’t hurt you enough to fear being abandoned again. You’re still special to me, I hope you know that. If you gave me another chance I would take it in a heart beat. I would love you and never let you go.