13 years
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I want to keep pursuing him, but it’s discouraging at times. Obviously neither of us should get involved with each other, there’s a lot at stake. But he’s made it pretty clear to me that he IS interested in s** under specific conditions. I know I can probably convince him to just do it anyway with a little effort, it’s not like I haven’t done this sort of thing before. It’s just very up-and-down with him. One day we’ll be flirting and talking about what we’d do “if we could” but the next he’ll seem almost completely disinterested. I’ve thought several times already that I should just give up and let it be, but I’m weak when it comes to him… All it takes is for him to start things up again and I’m right back where I was, hanging on his every word waiting for my chance. I’m not sure what to do anymore

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .