To make it easy,I had a really bad and depressing past.I’m better now but still living with all the s*** around me.

I feel like I have the need to stab,
Or in the rarest case to kill him.
My dad.

I don’t have anyone to trust. But I do have younger siblings and they’re the reason why he’s still doing well.

For the people asking how tf I can feel that:
It all started when I forced myself to be better, well good and happy bc he just pisses me off whenever I say I need help or actually when he need to do some basic parenting.

At some point it started when I needed to destroy things to throw out all that s*** out of me, it became a more common need with time.
It was strongly aggressive or repetitive.
Then I started planning and started a fire on our kitchen.
And on the fire chapter I realized I needed help 🙂

As I cannot have it I tried to solve it by myself.

Until I realized that I was sometimes thinking how to hurt /where we have knives or other weapons style stuff and things as that,

Andd I also realized that in rarely case i experience a weird thing.
While I was doing some basic task I just feel like some enormous weight fell on me and I cannot walk or think anymore, I was like on pause hardly breathing and standing on defensive as I would get attacked or something.

This thing became repetitive and the will of hurting him came progressively.
From this time I have the need to hurt him specifically then want him to suffer the rest of his life.

I somehow wanted to call the cops or some weird help center to make me intern in a hospital or some adapted care but didn’t have the courage to destroy my future life by being interned at any place

I’m proud of me, I didn’t succumbed

But I’m feeling like a deep broken man I don’t want to be a potential danger
I’m sorry that you have to read this