There must be something about me. I feel like people are taking me for a mug right now. Maybe that’s not fair. But there’s certainly a disconnect. I think perhaps I’ve started to feel ready for a relationship again, which is of course a positive step, but that my hopes aren’t aligning properly.

Ok maybe I am just a mug.

I’ve gone through more than I expected recently and sort of lost my way. I thought J might have been different given the chat, but the silence speaks volumes. Here comes R, who seems like a refreshing breath of air. Sure a tad awkward but he asked to see me again. Cancel once, sure the wires are crossed. But the silence now… I’m fairly certain another excuse is going to come tumbling in shortly. Let’s guess what it is: meeting a mate? doesn’t feel well? Too tired? Has to pack? Or simply just leave it long enough and say he forgot. My money’s on the last one.

I do care. I was going to type that I’m not sure I did, but I do. I’ve got food. I’ve tidied. I’ve put some effort in. But physicalities aside, I was looking forward to it. To seeing them. Is it something I did or did not do? Is it them? F*** knows, but this is ridiculous.

Totally offline for hours? Understandable, but to be on that app… To have completely changed the profile? I’ve got the wrong end of the stick again. I can’t keep doing this.

And how long do I wait now? An hour? Two hours? Do I make dinner or not? Do I text… No because it’s already a double. I still want to see him but this feels like de ja vu. It’s a lesson I’ve learned twice, and maybe now a third. Never let yourself become excited to see someone. It’ll only hurt more when it doesn’t happen.

So that’s where we are. Lying here. Waiting for the inevitable. Hoping for the unlikely. But almost certainly due to be disappointed. I’ll stop trying one day soon.

Love, me x