I used to laugh at the sight of people dieing or being afraid of death. I 'd get off watching people suffer and being tortured beheaded, skinned alive

13 years

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I used to laugh at the sight of people dieing or being afraid of death. I ‘d get off watching people suffer and being tortured beheaded, skinned alive etc. I liked the gory gruesome stuff, in fact I wanted to do this to others very badly. I’m just not a people person. Now at this point in life i’m very confused. I find myself unable to control my feelings for the weirdest things that used to have the complete opposite effect on me. For example, seeing a mini war between citizens and govt. It’s making me really sad. I see people dieing but it’s not right. It’s not something I can really enjoy anymore because it’s just not the same. I really didn’t think i’d ever really feel this way. I still have the urges to hurt people very much(I don’t act on this urge.) so why does this bother me now. Why am I feeling bad for these people that I know nothing about.. I don’t care about them, and or need them. They are not of my concern, and yet watching them sometimes I feel like I know them now. It’s like something switched in me, making me more sympathetic to others. For the record, I was never sympathetic, I didn’t know the word, the meaning of the word, nor how to give it. It was always about how to use this piece(person) to achieve this thing(goal?). I prided myself in being able to move forward using others while they all seemed stuck. I thought it was crafty, clever, convenient and didn’t see the point in much sympathy for my own well being.
Now I feel like i’m in this weird struggle between doing what used to feel really good and doing what should be done. Is it really a big deal? Should it matter if i’m a good person or bad person? Should I go off by own views of benefits and happiness, or more be more regulated based off the regular guidelines of being good. *sigh* I don’t know. I just know I’ve got a weirrrrrd feeling about all this.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .