This is kind of a little b**** confession. I do gig work sometimes. Anyways, I basically break down just about every time someone gives me a good tip. I am so stressed out in my life, by the time I get out to do deliveries I am stressed. I try to get the things delivered on time and in obviously the best condition I can. I just get so stressed out and, I think it comes from my childhood trauma but I always tend to think that people don’t like me, that they hate me, look down on me, things like this.

So I think like this basically all of the time. The only time I am not stressed like this, is basically if I have like a kind of intimate conversation with someone, which hardly ever happens maybe like once a year.

So I always think people hate me. I am just a stupid poor ugly probably stinky sweaty delivery driver. I think nobody wants me. Nobody likes me. I should probably just hang myself.

Who could ever possibly like someone like me? I am ugly. I am out of shape. I can’t really get in shape because of injuries and my body is just so weak unless I like eat a ton of f****** food, but I can’t really afford food right now. I have trouble standing. My left knee is like bone on bone because of an injury like 16 years ago. If I eat a lot of food, I have more energy, and I sleep better (mostly if I eat a heavier meal like a double patty hamburger with bacon), and also my leg doesn’t hurt as much. Like the muscles come back a little, but once I stop eating a lot, it goes back to bone on bone, that is the sensation at least.

My body just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I could go on and on.

Like just now, I did a delivery, and I got like a $50 tip. Like I don’t even know how to put this in terms of the reality and life that I live. I feel like, they probably didn’t like me, I am some stupid ugly stinky delivery driver. Who would ever want to help someone like me.