I’m just going to vent and there’s no need for it to be perfectly true all the time, just how I feel right now.
I don’t feel valued by him always. I don’t feel heard always. I know he loves me but I don’t think he cares, try as he might, that much about what I think in some ways. I know he cares so much about how I feel but I don’t think he understands me on a certain level. And I don’t think he really wants to. And that is ok. But sometimes lonely.
Sometimes people aren’t quiet to punish someone else. Sometimes they are just hurting and they can’t talk. I can be quick to anger when I’m hurt. I don’t want to say something stupid. I have built up frustrations. And they aren’t fair. Why would I let the hurt talk when it’s such a liar?
I don’t have control over my own life. I always feel someone else directing it. Its my own fault. how many decisions have I made in the decade? Not many. Not where to go or what to do. But it’s the little things.
He didn’t stay with me when I needed him to. I even asked for it. He will always choose them over me. Always. Even when I need help badly. And I really never ask for much.
He does and has done so much for me. It’s not fair to complain, and I almost never do. But deep down I’m not happy that anything I want is always too out of reach. Now things are changing but I feel too dead inside to care. I don’t feel any hope or any passion.
I fought so hard to keep this from happening. I kept trying new things. I tried to get this change to happen way sooner. I tried to meet people. All were resisted.
I want to start over but I’m hurting and I’m tired and I don’t want to fight for it anymore.
