a sinful confession… (N***)

tw: s***** assault, s***** violence, cocsa, manipulation, i*****, h*********, abuse, trauma

As a child, i had siblings that i did not live with. i was left by my birth mother and i had been left in the care of other family members. i was close with my aunt and her family. my aunt was related to me from my mother’s side. my aunt and her extended family was the only family i knew for awhile. i was always made fun of growing up. i was flat chested with a slightly pudgy stomach. i was the shortest and youngest of the bunch. i was very gullible and shy, mostly afraid to mess up or upset others. growing up, i spent time with my older cousins (one a girl who was 3 years older than me, and the other a boy who was far ahead of our ages) as if they were my own siblings. i would often spend time with my female cousin. i felt comfortable with her. i was a verh insecure child. i had glasses and was mocked relentlessly for being “fat” and “ugly” and i grew up with even adult family members calling me expletives.

i had a lot of trouble getting close with guys since my birth dad was not in the picture. i was very confused with females too since of my birth mother leaving me. i often had fits as a child where id throw tantrums aimed at my grandmother (the main female parental figure in my life besides my aunt). i always have felt the need to be close to any girls i meet. i always crave their approval and validation and attention (me being a girl myself) and this came off as weird to many of my schoolmates. boys were always a tricky subject for me. i always looked up to my uncle who took me under his wing. he always was sure to be kind and outgoing with me. he was sporty, brash, and confident. he would always push us to do our best and to laugh off nonsense, but most importantly to be prudent and to toughen up. my aunt was a fair mix of assertive and gentle. she would always talk to those who were alone and comforted them. she showed me the joys of being a girl such as dressing nice and getting my hair done. she was attempting to teach me self care, effectively taking me under her wing. i would consider myself a fair mix of them. i considered them as second parents beyond my primary caregivers. they lived close so i could visit them. my male cousin was so cool. i remember looking up to him. i remember avoiding him on purpose. i was so afraid that i would embarrass myself. i truly looked up to him with eyes of wonder. my female cousin on the other hand… everyone admired her. we grew up both blonde eyed and dirty blonde haired. reflecting back… as a child i was so insecure. i hated myself and thought i was the worst looking but looking at photos, i realize i was perhaps the prettiest. many people told me it was jealous rage from others but i failed to understand that. everyone doted upon my female cousin. they would say how she was like monroe, with her now bleached blonde hair. she had pretth jewellery and from a young age was media savy. they would always say to take after her. she was seen as an angel but she was just a sinner as i. she would make fun of me, yet keep me close. she was very manipulative. she knew what she was doing. she could tear me down and at the same time make me desire to impress her. it quickly turned incestual. i didnt know what i***** was properly. she would treat me as a girlfriend. she would kiss me sometimes and hug me, and she would make me want to win her approval. i was very attatched to her. she would always parade me around. she would make me fight and watch me get beat up by her friends, solely for her amusement. she enjoyed watching that. she knew i was her lap dog and she treated me as such. i caught “romantic” feelings for her. i always needed to be a “good girl” and do whatever she said. she would experiment on me. i cant explain what she did to me. its so hard to convey. she pushed my boundaries and if i spoke out she would get extremely angry and parade other girls in front of me to make me jealous, saying how they were better. in private she would tell me she loved me. she would have me prsctice kissing on her, and she would share many intimate moments with me. she would often want me to undre with her. i came from a broken home myself, and her approval was ver important. anytime i did what she’d want, she’d compliment me. this all sounds like things kids normally do… but thats under normal circumstances. over the years, things escalated. she said she wanted me to “feel good”. many incidents happened over the years. she got me addicted to m*********** and p**********. she started by giving me wedgies, which soon escelated to the point where i was sore, and she wanted to see my underwear press against my g*******. then she started having me shirtless near her, telling me it was normal and that guys do it, so i shouldn’t be scared to do it around her. she would tease me into not “chickening out”. then she began rubbing my chest, and kissing it. on more incidents she began to lick on them and s*** on them. i remember it feeling weird and it got to the point i had discoloration. i remember feeling uncomfortable. i always wanted to please her so i was afraid to say no. it escalated to her having me show her my v*****. she taught me saying i had a “hole” and i remember being terrified and she told me that she could fill it for me. she began to rub it and lick it. she would describe to me how it tasted and she kept asking me how each motion felt. she then began to stick her fingers inside of me and prod around my insides. she wouldn’t stop until she stimulated me. she would offer to contin and in my not understanding, i asked her for more. she continued to do that off and on. she encouraged me and told me that it was my “s**’o’meter” and that when i felt like that, that i NEED to come to her and she would help me. from my view at the time, she was being loving and helpful. i didnt understand. then it escalated. she grabbed a massager and had me lay in her lap as she instructed me to use it. she would have me do so until i came on multiple occasions. she even would kiss me as we did it. she even had me perform it on her. one day she told me she found out what cartoon characters do under the bed. she insist that she show me. she convinced me to ask our much younger neighbour (a boy) to come over. that was the day i lost my virginity. she instructed me on oral, and lured me in saying “it tastes like vanilla” as she would lick his p****. she then made me kiss and lick him while looking up wt him. she told me thats how babies were made. i was afraid and she rubbed my back wnd would reassure me. she then instructed me and manipulated us both into having s**. she had me ride him, even teaching me how to moan. she used me as a puppet to manipulate him. i didnt know. eventually i came, i even peed accidentally and after she cleaned us up, she had us continue. as family members came near the room, she instructed us to be quiet. she hid under the bed as she had us continue. eventually we finished. i felt so dirty and wrong and gross. i threatened her to tell on her. she said that she wouldn’t get in trouble because she wasnt the one that did dirty stuff. she threatened to tell on me. she burned in my brain overtime that if anyone found out, id be abandonded by our family, that no one would love me, that i would get arrested and be put to die. this continued for a long time. she had me do s***** stuff to her male friends and even tried to make me convince her brother to have s** with me. she had instructed me secretly before they left the room, to grind on his p****. she told me to “just sit on his lap and bounce” and she had me do things to her and her older friends. this went on for years. we we grew into our teens, she abandonded me. i always tried to reach out because i missed her. i confronted her when i was 13 about what happened and she feigned ignorance.

i felt so alone. she lost all interest. i tried to post online like her, but it was your average cringe musically vids and youtube vids. i now have things online of young me thats embarrassing, under my real name and that i cannot take down. there is no proof left of what she did beside one of the massagers that have our dna.

she has won my birth mother over, even after i told my birthmom. my birthmom gave her a tattoo as i stayed against my will for hours watching kids that i had no training to deal with.

im now almost an adult. (in a few months) and i have major issues with women. i either dont trust them, feel uncomfortable around them or overly attach to them.

im not homosexual. i dont like s**. i dont like being perverted.

but the problem is, i cant stop having nightmares about being brutally raped and beaten… i also cant help but feel aroused at the idea of being s******* abused. i dont like it. it makes me feel sick. i have horrible time setting boundaries. im too afraid to open up to a therapist. no one really believes me. she is now a very pretty young adult in her mid 20’s and she has a partner and happy life.

im mentally young and traumatised. i want to cry. i am hypersexual and i dont want to sexualize myself. i can sound like a child because my voice goes to that of a high pitch girls very often. its not of my age. i act young and mature at different times. i have never been able to have a healthy relationship or maintain a healthy hot physique.

i have depression and ptsd (diagnosed) and i dont know what to do. i keep attracting pedophiles who i have a hard time saying no to. im now a people pleaser who hates making people upset and im afraid to lose relationships even when toxic.

please pray for me.

only God can save me.

i feel so ashamed.