I really wanna leave everything behind. I'd probably be crying somewhere and masturbating sometimes to numb my craving for human interaction, but damn,

4 years

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I really wanna leave everything behind. I’d probably be crying somewhere and m*********** sometimes to numb my craving for human interaction, but damn, the anxiety of if I’m doing well when talking to people really kills me inside. Seeing other people develop relationships (not romantic ones, platonic ones) scares me.

I’m too messed up to have the energy to make everything seem normal to everyone. I’m tired. I want to slit my neck. I want to bang my head to a wall repeatedly just so I can cry and maybe start caring about myself more by seeing myself in pain. I don’t know how to feel better and that new person talking to me is making me nervous by all the possible ways I might’ve been boring or annoying them.

I’m scared. I hate myself. I want to die but have no actual courage to do it. Everything seems like a burden. Trying to keep everything afloat s****. Goes worse when you know there’s nothing that’d actually listen to you without feeling the need to fix you.

I just wanna be loved for me. I don’t care how nice or helpful I am to you. Let me ruin your lives and please still love me for it.

I’m disgusting.

New Confession

To be human is to continually change. Your desire to remain as you are is what ultimately limits you.

The Puppet Master

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My ex would s******* harrass me every day, if that is the word. Force me to show him my body, show him myself m***********, pleasure him since we were long-distance. Whenever I said no, it would be begging all night until I gave in. So I stopped saying no in fear of him leaving me, embarrassing me, sending the photos out. But now, a year after him, I still imagine what it would be like if we did have s**. I imagine it when I’m alone, about how he’d topple over me, guide me through it with a soft voice as he deflowered me. How his rough hands would grab me and pull me hair like how he would describe to me. How he said he wanted me to be choking to the point I nearly threw up. How he wanted his hand on my stomach as he plowed. I pray every day that I never see him again, but I pray that the sin of my desires is attained first.