I- think i’ve been abused.
When I was a child I had a “end of the world” mindset when it came to the smallest things. Which led to me trying to commit suicide in my room after getting in trouble over something, because i had never been in trouble about something like that before. It didn’t work, cause obviously a blunt kitchen knife isnt gonna actually go through ur stomach unless ur geniunely trying- So i gave up and put the knife away.
Out of nowhere my mother had stormed into the room, she immediately found the knife (idk if i had accidently revealed its location or if she had been spying on me), after finding it she threw it across the room and pushed me onto my bed and began to hit me. I dont remember if it was my actual face but she hit me repeatedly near that area (Maybe my head? once she starts hitting me it gets fuzzy).
I dont remember if it actually hurt or not, but the event still scared me and I began to have a panic attack, she then dragged me out of my room and said if i didnt calm down she would take me to a mental hospital.
After a couple months I forgot about this event, like it had completely erased itself from my brain, i still remembered my stupid overreaction of trying to commit suicide over getting in trouble. But i had no recollection untill a couple months ago this year.
The memory makes me sick to my stomach. I have no clue if what i went through even deserves to be called abuse. I feel terrible about the event and i feel like a psychopath whos being dramatic idk idk how to feel idk what to do. This happened June of 2018 and Now its June of 2022 and I’m 15. My mother is currently the closest person in my life due to my dad’s distance and emotional neglect. Idk how to go about this cause how can i call the closest person in my house to me abusive?? And Even if she is what do i even do? would she do this again?
I remember talking to her about it after recalling the event and she got frustrated with me, denying that she hit me and saying “the most i probably did was slap you on the shoulder” and justified her actions by saying she was “frustrated”. I know she hit me. She didnt f****** slap me and it wasn’t on my f****** shoulder. The memory may be very fuzzy but thats something im confident about. Idk what to do anymore. Calling it abuse makes me feel like a terrible crazy overreacting person since it only happened once and i can’t remember pain or certain details. But calling it normal doesnt feel right either. I hate this feeling and I just want to forget this memory again like I did when I was a child. I hate feeling powerless about this situation and I wish I could talk to my dad about this and seek comfort from him but I don’t think he would give me that. I have a feeling he would side with my mom. Idk if he even should side with me. Maybe I really am crazy.