I have held suicidal thoughts since the age of 10. Its a weighted bottle of all my sadness and anger built up throughout my life and I can only find enjoyment in life through video games when I’m not in a depressive mood. The worst part of it all is being hyper self aware of every thought and every action I do making me question my own sanity at times even at my lowest points whether or not I’m faking having suicidal thoughts or being depressed and I can’t even let out any of my emotions for long or even just cry to feel better before I start thinking “Why am I even doing this?”. I feel like one day my entire sanity and psyche will just collapse and I will go insane but being so self aware about myself and questioning everything feels like a prolonged torture while i isolate myself from everyone and can’t make any new friends because of it. I have no one to talk to about any of this. My family is religious but my parents have been in a divorce since I was 12. I have talked to an online therapist once when I was 14 and that entire year was hell dealing with my parent after they took my IP address from the site and called the cops on me. I learned to just shut up and put on a fake face until I go to bed or I’m alone and feel like I’m dissociating with my depressive thoughts, thinking about realities where my life was different, a world after death without the need to put on different faces to cope religiously and more.