Tw:fearing being abandoned, suicidal thoughts, SH

When I was younger I only had one friend, and I was extremely attached to them, cause no one else liked me, and I never got a reason why. Why people at the school didn’t like me. I never told my parents about it. Not once. I had her, she didn’t ever leave me, she was there for me. If she didn’t like someone, I didn’t. If she didn’t want to talk to me I would stay silent till my mind would cause me to find a way to get her to talk to me. It was an easy way she did. She would ignore me, I’d get upset, and leave her a note, or ask someone to ask her why she was mad at me. Most of the time I did nothing wrong. She just said her anger issues were why, but she never acted angry.
We’d have sleep overs, where I could express more. When they were at my house it was no problem. At her house is when I did see her anger issues, and she’s be pissy and completely ignore me. One time I couldn’t get her to listen to me of where I could sleep and I ended up sleeping on a makeshift bed, made up of my own clothes and a heavy jacket I used to cover up. She still ignored me in the morning.
I was still so attached and close to her. I knew she was my only friend, and at some point reason I was alive (at the time I was only 10-12 but I had already started developing this dependency, that I wouldn’t be able to cope if she left). One day I was in her room, just crying, she was ignoring me, I came to the actual realization that I would commit suicide if this was the only reason to live.. her attention. And she actually realized me in this. Let it be known I tried to talk to her over 10 times to stop ignoring me. She asked why I was crying and I told her, because I wanted to kill myself, letting her know that she made me feel like this.

And she spinner it around and told me that she’s wanted to kill herself when she was in preschool. Just to “make me feel better” even though I wanted to be heard out.

Eventually I dated her and she was still the same, she was my longest relationship, and it all ended because I moved. Made some friends that actually cared about me and didn’t hate me for no reason. And within weeks, for the first time, I lived without thinking about being ignored

What happened after? Any signs of abandonment, scares the living s*** out of me to the point I send myself into a panic attack.

Since my parents don’t know about this my parents still talk about her.

I was ages 6-15(+) and just the thought of losing a friend ends my world.