I don’t know if I know how to stop thinking of him. How to stop wondering how he is, how to stop trying to understand exactly what happened last year. I don’t know how to stop wishing he’d reach out. It’s a sickness. Because I know that if he did, I would respond and it might start up again but I feel like I don’t properly care about the consequences. I have never been THIS f****** stupid. I’ve come close, sure, but this is so far off the charts that it shouldn’t even exist. I think about him every single f****** day and I know now that I really didn’t matter all that much to him, not really, I was a distraction at best and a discomfort at worst. And yeah, that’s embarrassing and demoralizing and a plethora of other things. But I’m some kind of masochist, man, I’m slow in the damn head. I think his name, I search his name, I type his name. I want it to stop. I need it to stop.

When my current relationship goes in whatever direction it’s meant to go (which may or may not mean I’ve gotta find a nice cabin in the woods so as to live out the rest of my days as a crazy cat lady) …I want to never ever ever EVER feel this way again. I can write about it, sing about it, whatever the f***…but I am DONE. Done. This s****. I politely decline. No thank you. I love s** and companionship but I can live without those things if it means I can stop putting myself in situations that f****** hurt.