I’ve been getting D’s and C’s on my physics and math tests when I want to be an engineer.
I often blame this on my poverty and the corrupted development from moving 8 times as a child, but I know it all comes down to myself. And I don’t know how to make myself love work again. Every day, I wonder what I’m doing… I worry about my relationships more than my career. I don’t want it to be this way, this unbalance in my mind, and yet… I don’t know.
I worry a lot that I make my boyfriend unhappy. I’m sad that my sister doesn’t respect me. It’s depressing to not speak to my mother, because she hardly understands English and I hardly understand Chinese. It’s heartbreaking to have the most boring conversations with my father but not ever do or say anything emotionally meaningful. And it hurts to not have a friend to talk to.
I’ve begun to think that I’m not meant to have relationships. My only function in life, it seems, is to work and die. Now that I can’t put as much happiness into my work, I don’t know what to do.