I’m an Asexual female in my 20’s, from South Asia. I’m hetero romantic and mostly attracted to white men with a certain physical and facial features. So you can imagine what kind of dating experience I have had. None!

I grew in an abusive household. My father is basically a sociopath and it made my mother (who was married off young), have almost all kinds of characteristic of a toxic mother. In short, she took it out on me. My younger sibling was lucky enough to not get tortured in a similar way but he seems more traumatized now. At present, we, siblings, don’t have many friends and our contact with relatives from both parents’ side, have been cut off, due to some unwanted incidents. My parents were almost divorced for several times but my relatives from my mother’s side influenced her decision to stay married.

I’ve recently graduated and looking for a full time job that’s suitable for me but luck hasn’t been on my side. I’m still living with my parents and my emotional and psychological challenges (including anxiety and depression) aren’t making it any easier.

My wounds have remained untreated for a long time. I’m still injured and getting hurt everyday so I’m unable to run towards my goals. There have been several occasions in my life, when I thought, I would leave my parents for good and I wouldn’t care but I’m still worried sick, if one of them even catches a cold. I know they won’t live forever, that’s how it is but outliving them and living in the world, alone, scares me. I’ve already given up on dating and I’ve chosen not to marry or have children due to my childhood experiences. I used to get along with my brother, really well but I’m starting feel distant now. I understand he has his own life and I hope he does but I’m also scared that he would get married someday, have a job, move far away and I would be cut off from his life.

I’m not scared to die but I’m afraid of living and dieing alone. Now I’m even afraid of my abusive parents leaving me behind in this world. Life right now, is already unbearable. I can’t imagine myself to keep on living till I’m 80.