I grew up believing that love was supposed to be the strongest feeling there is. A pledge of total dedication to each other. That if two people loved each other… Nothing could get in the way. There is no challenge they can’t overcome.
Till I fell in love… I was naive.
We started talking to each other due to a mutual friend that introduced us. We would talk from morning till night. We just had so much in common. We would rant at each other over our interests… Spending time with her was the best thing ever. When two people spend so much time of their day just talking to each other… It was only natural we got closer… Slowly but surely she creeped her way into my heart. Never had i ever experience such feelings in such intensity. She wasn’t my first love but no one came even close in that regard. It’s no wonder i confessed to such feelings… Something I now consider a mistake that i should have seen coming. You see, she (let’s call her Amy) was a lesbian. Yes, i know red flags… Massive ones… Humongous ones.
The whole time i had feelings for her, i knew of her s******** and interest and therefore never had much hope. I accepted a rejection way before confessing… My only fear was losing her friendship. But i could no longer keep that secret, it was eating me inside… And so… I confessed. And to my surprise… She accepted and reciprocated my feelings. I was so not expecting such response i actually confronted her about it… Her words where like TNT being thrown the dam in my heart. “I don’t care what gender or what you look like, i love you for yourself” After that it was over for me…
Feelings i kept resisting during the past 4 years we had know each other exploded and expanded… If i had fallen in love before… I now was falling into an abyss of which i could never return. And thus we began dating.
At the start it was fantastic, we enjoyed each other company. I did everything in my power to make her smile, and just seeing that was enough to overwhelm me in warm feelings. I truly believed that was it. That one destined true love. The other half of the orange. It was her.
A problem arrived through a bisexual girl who was introduced to her. And all of a sudden everything changed… She started to want more time to herself away from me, i didn’t oppose that, after all i shouldn’t monopolize her right?
She started to hang out with friends more and less with me. But it is ok, we might not be able to hang out everyday, but we still hang out a bit everyday so it was all good. This friend in question had a boyfriend who didn’t live in the same city as ours, but they had an open relationship. Whenever they weren’t together they could date and sleep around. And so… It did not take long to Amy asked the same out of me.
At this point in time i was too far gone, too in love to have any self respect left for myself… And reluctantly, even though I didn’t want or care about anyone else, i accepted. I couldn’t afford to lose the love of my life after all…
After that… She. grew distant… She would ignore me for days… Weeks without hearing a hi from her. i grew lonely… But I didn’t want anyone else… Only her could sooth that pain… And as sudden as such distance happened, it disappeared… All of a sudden she began to want to hang out more with me again, started coming by everyday. I didn’t question it… Nor did i care… She was back and as loving as always.
That didn’t last tho, our relationship was still open after all. And as such we got to knew a lesbian girl who wrecked it all. Like before the distance began happening… She would hang out more with said girl than me… The days without communications became weeks and i couldn’t bear anymore… I did the one thing i promised i never would… I decided to probe and find out more. One of the first things we did when we started dating was exchange Facebook IDs and passwords… ( Her idea, by the way, i never even asked for anything like that ) and now it was coming down to using it. I logged into her Facebook… Went to messages… And that’s when it my life and beliefs came crashing down.
Written there to her friends was everything on how she felt she was never in love with me but with a expectation of me she created by herself. How she had fallen and confessed to the bissexual girl and had been rejected. how she came back to me cause she didn’t know if she loved me or the feeling of being loved. And how she and this girl were getting close and close to each other. And how she was scared of telling me she didn’t love me anymore and lose her source of love and care that i provided her.
I couldn’t believe… This whole time… I been trying my best, trying to be the most comprehensive and loving that i could be… Only to see a “not good enough, you have a p**** and therefore can never match what i want”. Why accept my confession then? Why fool me with a “i don’t care what gender you are, i love you for you”? It was never mutual… All this time, this whole 2 years we were together .. i was the only one in love? I wish i said i confronted her immediately, but i was scared out of my mind… Scared of losing the best thing that happened in my life. So i took the role of a observer… I watched… As she fell more and more in love with this girl while i tried to reach out to her, get her back. I tried everything… Finally Amy confessed to this girl… And got rejected again…
I saw it happen again, the I love yous coming back, the I miss yous. I couldn’t pretend nothing happened.. i confronted her about it… She got mad at me invading her privacy (even though she is the one who suggested we exchanged passwords at the start, as a we have nothing to hide from each other). We had one ugly fight… And that was it… We were over.
Those next few months were the worse on my life. My self esteem hit so rock bottom that i was even considering getting a s** change surgery if it meant i could have her back… Nothing was too big to sacrifice… From that desperation gave way to anger… And anger gave way to change… I can no longer believe in people. I don’t trust anyone compliments, i don’t trust women in general anymore. I feel there is always something they want from me. That kept me away from relationships ever since…i closed my heart so I wouldn’t be hurt like that again. I became colder and bitter. Even right now… I am still frozen in time at that moment. I feel i no longer have any happiness in my life and have considered ending it all. Even now 10 years later… I still am in love with that girl who told “me she loved me for me”. That sweet lie. Love is a illusion, a mental disease we tell ourselves it’s normal. It drives us to do stupid things… Love is the worst thing that happened to me. Sorry for the really long confession, i just feel like i needed to get it out of my chest since i don’t trust anyone close to me with my feelings anymore. I will just smile and pretend everything is alright again tomorrow.