The people around me have no idea how often I think of suicide as an option. I’m 27, which means I’ve lived 7 years longer than I anticipated. Now I don’t know what the f*** to do with myself. I didn’t plan on making it this far. I have no self esteem. No confidence. I find myself hideous, so I secretly want other peoples attention. Especially s*******. I am in a relationship, but I fantasize about cheating often. I assume this is another form of self-harm. Being my own worst enemy and everyone else’s best friend.
I quit my job in a rage and now I’m all my wife’s responsibility. I know she hates it even though she tells me to take my time to find a new job. My anxiety and depression has been keeping me from trying harder to find a job. It’s becoming a vicious cycle. I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like everything would be so much easier if I just wasn’t here.
My trauma from abuse, childhood neglect, and poverty has been ripped open again after moving back to my hometown..
I know that is probably the reason that we ended up back here. So I could work on my s***, face all this and be free of it. I know how to do it, I could lay it all out to someone else. I just can’t do it for myself. Something inside of me stops me from helping myself, healing myself and loving myself. What could that be? My own parasitic ego? An “attachment”? Text book trauma response? No idea..