It hurts so bad tonight. I thought heartstopper showed me what I’d been missing in my relationship. All it’s done is show me what I’m missing *from my relationship. I miss him so much it hurts my chest. And the most painful thing? He doesn’t miss me. He hadn’t loved me like that for months. I wish I could tell him now how I felt. That I miss every look, every cuddle, every smell. I feel so stupid for not telling him I loved him sooner, for not showing him. Maybe if I’d been a better boyfriend he would still be here.

I miss him coming over and cuddling me. I miss his outfits. I miss him getting excited by those machines. I miss the day when he pulled me into his arms and played with my hair. I miss the day he surprised me with the food. More than ever I miss the texts where he longed for me and I longed for him. I want to open my heart and I want to give it to him. We never had the relationship I wanted because I thought he didn’t. I think it was a massive miscalculation and I think I’ve ruined it. I love him so much and I just want to show him. How can I. I’m just the crazy ex that can’t move on. And I am. And he probably has. But I can’t move past thinking there’s a chance he would give it another go.

I love the way he dresses. I love the photos he sends. I love his little flat. I love falling asleep in his arms, even if I have to move away. I love the little wriggle he does as he sleeps. I always knew when he’d dozed off as I felt his body relax behind mine. I miss feeling him curled up beside me. I miss counting down the days to seeing him again. I miss the day he kissed me outside work and told me he loved me. It was so genuine and so free. I love him. I wish he would come back. How can I tell him.

Perhaps I’m just stupid. No, I am just stupid. I’m just silly. I look ridiculous, pining over someone who doesn’t like me back. He’s not texted me all week. My bitterness has turned to gut wrenching pain. I want more than anything else for him to text me and ask to meet. Every notification I hope is his