today i forced myself to not wear my mask a month after the mandate had ended for my state. i did it because i noticed that my anxiousness was controlling my life so much, and being the 2% of people at my school wearing a mask made me feel stressed and isolated. so, i took it off. my heart-rate reached a high of 120 simply by resting because of how anxious i was. over the day, i was able to relish in the freedom of being able to even simply drink water without having to pull up my mask (so that no one could see my face, if i pulled it down, i would be exposed.)

initially, i felt as though i was exposed; naked. i had to remind myself that this would be what i would be doing naturally if covid had never happened so that i could just not feel super stressed. my first 3 class periods were fine; no one mentioned it. then, i walked to the library to return an overdue book since i was reading it for an english project. i realised i had forgotten it so i just went back to lunch. when walking back, one of my past friends was walking behind me. she was walking with like 10 other people (they were her friends). she proceeded to ask me like, 3 questions. One of them was like, how i was, the other i forgot, and then the other one was along the lines of, “remember when we used to be best friends.”

truly horrifying. i felt so cheated. like, i feel like it’s nearly common knowledge atp (to her, at least) that i freaking s*** at social situations like this. she was in my spanish class, so she even saw me standing as stiff as a tree with my arms crossed presenting my historieta to the class as i just mumbled thru it (masks make everything quieter </3). when she asked the questions, i nodded, but i didn't want to look behind me. she made a remark about it and then proceeded to ask the other two questions. i looked behind me, but i didn't know where she was so i proceeded to look at someone else (one of her friends). i felt like dying at that moment. part of me feels like it's unreasonable to expect someone to just remember that i freaking s*** in situations like this, but it also just felt like the whole interaction had some sort of malice.

the rest of the day went fine i guess. my next two class periods were fine. after the last period had ended, i walked out. i'm typically the last one out, so, consequently, i am also behind people (duhh). i was behind 4 people from my class. one of them i had expected to make a remark, 1 of them i didn't know, one was a sophomore i had never even spoken to, and the last one was a freshman who seemed chill i guess. anyways, i'm walking behind them and then i hear my name. i was confused for a split second, and then i quickly realized what was happening. the four people literally gasp and look behind them to look at me. then, the freshman who seems chill walks up to me to explain that i look different with my mask off (duhh, who doesn't????).

i used to be pretty confident about my appearance (i felt like my nose was just too big, simply balkan genetics, and that my chin was also too long). i've taken hundreds of photos of myself when i felt confident. it's not like that i hate my appearance now, i still admire the way my face is set up, it think it complements me well. now, considering that i have been viewed objectively, i can't help but feel insecure about my face in public. like, right now, i'm looking at these photos i've taken and they look the bomb.***, i'm not ugly, but then how do i get over not meeting people's expectations? i can't tell if i'm actually stressed about this, but ya.