I am still very in love with my ex boyfriend. Problem is, I have a new boyfriend. My ex and I were together for 5 years. I have been dating my new boyfriend for about 4 months. My ex was the love of my life. My high school sweetheart. My everything. Before we dated, we were best friends for 4 years. I was certain that we were going to get married and be together forever. I really thought we would be that lucky percentage that made it. But with all that being said…I was not a good girlfriend. I have had a rough life, and towards the end of our relationship, I took everything out on him. He was the only one I was ever able to vent to, but I did more than vent. If I was pissy, I would yell and cry at him. It was comforting for me, but hell for him. I know that now, but at the time I didn’t realize how obnoxious I was being. I smothered him all the time. I just felt like he was all I had in the world, and I always wanted to be around him. If he was gone for too long, I couldn’t handle it. And I was always suspicious that he was cheating on me. I ruined the relationship for sure. But if you look past all the crap I did like that, I genuinely loved him with all my heart. He was my everything…I am sobbing as I type this. I just…I guess I took him for granted, because I always thought he would be there. I NEVER thought I would have to live without him. But I was wrong. So…wrong…he left me last Christmas for another girl. And they are getting married this year. He moved on very fast. I wish I could say the same for myself…I am a mixture of depressed because I miss my ex, and guilt-ridden because I have a new boyfriend. I shouldn’t still be thinking about my ex. But I can’t help it…no matter what I do, or where I go, he is all I can think about. I can usually brush it off, but then theres times where I hear a certain song, or watch a show we used to watch together, or play the video games we used to play together. Then I am painfully reminded of my past…and I can’t help but cry. I’ve cried so much since he’s been gone. If I am at work or school, or anywhere public really, and I have to cry, I just go to the bathroom or somewhere private to sob. It gets to the point sometimes where I take around 10 little breaks to cry. It’s pathetic and obnoxious and I just want it to stop…so much to the point where I have contemplated suicide numerous times. I’m just so depressed, and I don’t feel good enough for anyone or anything. I feel the sting of his abandonment in everything I do. I’m heartbroken. Devastated. Crushed. I just miss him so terribly. I love him so much, and I always will. Despite all the pain, I am genuinely happy for him. So, so happy that he can finally be away from all my b.s. and live a normal life with a good girl. She really is perfect. I wish I could be half the woman she is. But I’m not. And it still hurts like hell. For the rest of my life, no matter how happy I ever am, I am going to miss him. My love. My baby…I can only hope at this point that the pain will decrease enough to where I can function like a normal human being. Because if not…well I just won’t be able to live with the pain anymore. I just had to get this off my chest somehow…because I have no one I can dare talk to about all of this. And a small part of me hopes that he will read this somehow. Psh. See? Pathetic. I’m sorry…I’m so so sorry to my current boyfriend. I really don’t deserve him or anyone for that matter. I just hate myself. I miss you, Cody. I will always love you. I wish you nothing but joy. Good bye…