I promised myself five years ago that if I didn’t get my act together by the time I turned 30 that I would commit suicide. It felt like last year I was doing pretty well and things were looking up, but now that it’s all crashing down around me I’m realizing it would’ve been better if I never tried to change anything all. I don’t know. I promised a my mom and my three friends that I wouldn’t do it but every day feels like such a challenge. I honestly think there’s something severely wrong with me. I don’t think someone who is a few months away from turning 30 should have as much difficulty living as I do. I feel irreparably broken. I feel disgusting and monstrous. I feel so trapped in the mess that I’ve made my life. Sometimes after a hoarder has all the garbage cleaned from their house it still has to be destroyed because the damage done to it is beyond repair. That’s how it feels. I feel like the mess I’ve made of my life is too great and that it’s become inescapable. It would be so much better to have the flesh and bones and nutrients sapped from my body and put to better use. I’d like to image death as a nap you never wake up from. It sounds pretty good to me. Maybe not though. Sometimes I do think that this is hell. That I’m being punished for some sort of awful transgression I committed in a previous life. I can’t believe people think life is worth living. That there’s inherent goodness in being alive. It’s all such a f****** joke. I’m sick of it. I’ve thought of a bunch of different ways to kill myself. Jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge. Ingesting sodium nitrate. Laying across train tracks. My newest one is trying to drive into a highly guarded government base and getting shot to death by the guards. I think suicide should be allowed after a certain amount of time. Maybe if you can show that your life hasn’t improved in the past five/ten years then you’re given permission to enter a suicide booth. I feel like I’m living in a dystopian novel. It feels like 1984 but less poetic. It feels viciously cruel. Three more months go! I’m almost there.