Captain’s Log, April 1, 2022

Men are being less and less important as the days go by. I used to lift weights, and nobody cared, and it was all right. Now, if I lift weights, I am called an oppressor.

I just want to eat food and exercise and be a normal healthy person. But, my condition has gotten to a weakness, where I have to be extremely careful all of the time. A slight extra twist or turn and I rip my stomach wall open and need surgery.

My body, naturally, don’t get mad, it isn’t a good thing, I’ve always been very skinny. I was made fun of for it, I think I got beat up a few times in school and stuff.

But, I was very skinny before but I am super skinny now. I sit in front of a computer all day. My Mom put wood floors throughout the house and it is killer. I feel like I am on an island of wood and I can’t move. My muscles are so weak, it is difficult to walk on the wood floor. I wear shoes sometimes and it helps but it doesn’t fix things enough.

Sometimes my knees hurt, from wearing shoes, because the weight of the shoes, puts pressure and hurts my knees when I am standing, walking and things like this.

I need to take it extremely slowly to get better. But, my Mom, keeps looking at me, like I am f****** crazy. She thinks everything is fine, because there isn’t a giant lump or an obviously damaged part of my body, I became weak from not eating very well for a long period of time like a few years. My metabolism changed.

If I skip a meal, the next day, my bones hurt, and it is hard to do anything. Stand, walk, etc…

I have to stay on top of everything to feel normal, but when I try to stay on top of everything, my Mom stares at me like “why are you doing this?” And it hurts, because I keep trying to tell her I am very weak and I need to eat regularly and a lot and I have to be consistent with exercise and all this… but it just does not ring any bells in her head. She just f****** stares at me completely clueless, and then just carries on and whatever I tell her just does not stick.

It’s like I tell her I am weak, I have to take it easy, I have to strike when the iron is hot to make the most of my metabolism being on overdrive, meaning like it is very rare when I feel willing and able to exercise, so when I do feel this way, I have to do it, because it is like my only chance, I may go back to feeling like s*** in another hour or whatever. So I have this extreme urgency with everything that I do and my Mom just doesn’t get it. And I try to tell her, and she acts like there is nothing wrong despite everything I tell her. Like she keeps trying to calm me down, like she is doing me a favor, by “informing me” that everything is okay and there is no reason to have this urgency… but it’s like you don’t understand, my body is so extremely sensitive I have to stay on top of this stuff. But despite telling her this, over and over, she keeps having the same reaction to the same f****** stimulus. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I depend on my parents right now as I haven’t had a job for years. I can maybe walk like a maximum of like 1 mile or so, before things start to get very difficult and my joints take all the load and it ends up creating more issues if I try to walk more like that.

But even if I walk regularly, if I don’t eat well, I really don’t get better. But my parents, just do not listen to me. I guess I used to make a big deal of things as a kid, and they always told me to shut the f*** up, and now here I am… I could just go on and on.

I’ve been sitting on the same bridge of weakness now for the last like 6 months trying to get well, and I have some ideas of what to do, as I’ve made notes on what seems to cause me problems and what appears to make things better, but nobody listens.

They all act like 2 peanut butter sandwiches a day comprises a healthy diet. It blows my mind. 2 peanut butter sandwiches a day is ok, for a day or two here and there, if you’re a normal active person, but if you’re super weak like I am, like you need a great powerful leap to get out of this hole, but I can’t manage to do more than just scrape at the walls. Because everytime I try to do more, my Mom just stares me down until I am subdued and then just acts like nothing was wrong and carries on. And then we keep coming to the same issue, over and over again. I say I am weak, sensitive, need to take time, etc… she stares at me until I stop doing whatever I am doing, and then she just seems to think everything is fine and moves on like nothing was ever wrong.

It’s like she thinks because she can subdue me by starring at me, that nothing must really be that wrong. But it’s like, it isn’t like I am on f****** fire, like it’s a slow change that happened over years at a time…

Like I am not about to throw a f****** tantrum because that won’t help things, I don’t know what the f*** to do. My Mom is from Utah, and racist, and stupid. I grew up in a racist household, it was f****** retarded. I live with my parents now because they fucked me up and I didn’t get the help I needed when I was younger so now I am mentally and emotionally fucked, and now I am physically having issues.

This has happened for me with my parents with health issues in the past.

I tell them I have a problem, they ignore it, until it is so bad that it cannot be denied. And by the time that happens, I went through so much pain for no reason, and then sometimes you can’t really do anything after that to get well.

I was sick one time, moaning in the bathroom, felt awful. Ate some bad food. I needed to desperately s*** but like nothing would ever come out. My parents get up, it was in the middle of the night, they’re pissed off at me. Saying I am making this all up for attention, I am trying to disrupt their sleep. Once I started to vomit and diarrhea, simultaneously, then they were like “ohhhh I see” and it’s like what the f***. Why do I have to have vomit and diarrhea simultaneously before you believe me that I am feeling sick?

It fucks with me. I feel like I am not a lazy person. I used to exercise all the time. I would hit the gym, climbing wall, weights, swimming, I ran around the track, I did spin classes. Like, I did everything there was. I did martial arts even at one point.

Like it isn’t that I don’t understand that I have to train regularly to keep muscle, like I get it. It is just when I try to do it, my Mom just stares at me and it is so extremely disheartening.

She keeps reaffirming to me that nothing is wrong, when something is plainly wrong and I am trying to tell her, but because she can’t see it, she keeps reaffirming that nothing is wrong, and it fucks with my head. How can my Mom do this to me?

Some of these things were typed out of order I am like getting light headed from not eating very much today so I will stop here for now.