I am abusing alcohol at work to prevent panic attacks
I am writing this post to help articulate my own thoughts as well as inform you about my situation. I would be very interested in reading your advice and experiences. I am British and I live in a European country, when I moved here 8 years ago, I was qualified for only one job. Teaching English as a foreign language to adults.
In the beginning I didn’t really like the job, but I’ve slowly learned to enjoy it. At the start I would get mild stage fright going up In front of classes of more 10 students, but after a few minutes of teaching my fears dispelled.
About a year into my job I was teaching at a university, I was in front of a class of about 18 students reading aloud a text. As I was reading my mind split in two, that is I could read and think at the same time. I thought to myself ‘You could Freak out right now, there’s nothing stopping you from completely losing it.’ In my mind I could see the face of a panicing man. My voice tightened and I could hardly speak. I had to ask a student to finish the reading. I felt bad for the rest of the day, but that was it. Around 6 months later I was teaching another class in a company this time and I had the same thought ‘What’s stopping you from losing your mind in front of all of these people? Can you trust yourself not to lose control?’ This time my panic attack was more intense, but I was able to think myself out of it.
The attacks got more and more frequent and they only happened while I was teaching or presenting something in front of an audience of 5 or more. After a couple of months of going to work and not knowing whether my imagination would talk me into a panic attack, I realised alcohol always relaxes me. It started with a glass of wine and it worked like magic, I even had fun in my lessons. The booze numbed the part of me that starts the panic attacks (it still does sadly). People are sober during the work week to save up their boozing for the weekend, I am sober over the weekend to give my liver a rest so I can get drunk at work.
I wouldn’t have to drink everyday, just times when I have to teach a class of over 5 students. I did this for 6 years and then the pandemic started. It was like a holiday. I don’t need to drink when I teach online, if I did drink during this period it was a beer just to relax. I still teach mostly online, I have just two classes in person and I drink 1/3 of a bottle of rum before I go in to teach them.
I just swallowed 2 ibuprofen and I’m sitting here with a wet cloth on my head as I type this. I have a headache because I got wasted so I could teach my afternoon class in person. My wife actually feels sorry for me. She thinks I have this headache because I’m tired… If it’s not obvious by now, I am good at hiding my drinking and pretending to be sober.
The doctor gave me some anxiety medication, but I have built a resistance to those pills. They’re good for helping me fall asleep or just being so sleepy I can’t think much.
If I don’t change or get help I’m going to get cirrhosis of the liver and die young.