I love him. He says that we are not compatible, that we dont click but he makes me feel so alive. He’s hurt me bad over the two years that I have known him and I’ve shed many a tear because I just want to be what he wants. I can never introduce him to my family because they know the pain he has caused me.
He says we cannot sleep together again but finds no problem calling on me for s** every now and then. I should say no I should tell him that he cant have me but I just want to be held and be loved even if its only for a moment. He is so opposite to me, he’s religious and I’m not. He wants kids and I dont. He wants marriage and I dont.
I cant tell him that the reason I dont want these things is because I cant have them, I dont deserve them. I cant have children because I will not be good enough for them as a mother I will fail them and they will be taken away. I cannot get married because I will be trapped in a situation I cannot escape and will take it out on the poor sod who married me.
I know my life will be lonely and I will die alone with no one to comfort me but I cannot open myself up to so much pain.
So I cannot have him, he doesnt want me because I’m not good enough for him. But I’m still his friend and I pretend to be ok with it all because I cannot bear to have him leave my life. Needlesss to say life s**** and there is no prospect of change on the horizon