I feel like killing myself, I hate myself because I can’t break free of my addictions. Beer drinking and fantasizing about s** and g******. I was sober from it for 5 months but tonight I fucked myself d********* in the a** with a smooth rake handle. I was fantasizing for a week about h****** myself and finally couldn’t hold back. I got on my hands and knees and backed into it and fucked myself good!! I really hate myself for this. It wasn’t as good as I’d hoped; it never is. I am sorry God and plan on not doing it again.