I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to.. I have a lot of friends and I have a boyfriend but I feel so alone.. I was feeling great for a while but I’m starting to slip back into my old ways. What a f****** b****. I hate myself. I care more about making other people feel good rather than making myself feel good, yet I still feel like I’m too self-absorbed. Am I boring? I get into my head a lot and I s*** at making conversation. My closest friend who I can tell most things too lives all the way out in the middle of b*** f*** know where and I can’t seem to make any connections like that here. Samantha is the closest friend I have and yet I don’t want to ever burden her with all my issues 24/7 I hardly do that with Jordyn either and we’re closer. Not unless they ask me or the subject related at least. I feel like I talk about myself way too much and maybe people get bored of me.. or that’s what I’m scared of. I wish I was one of those people who can naturally start up conversations and talk to people like a normal human being but I feel like I constantly have to analyze everyone and then I start to over analyze and think that everyone hates me and only hangs out with me because they pitty me or some s***. I know all of this is not true but I can’t help but feel it. I’m so tired all the time, I’m so sad all the time. I don’t know why I had to be born when I didn’t ask for this s***. But who knows, maybe I did ask for it in some magical spiritual land that may or may not exist. Ughhhh. F*** meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Tonight was the worst night yet. Jordyn is basically begging me to break up with Garrett and I almost did but I love him. He has so many red flags but I can’t help it. I want so badly not to like him but I do. F*** me. Again. Ugh! I almost broke up with him but he’s so good at talking. First I was telling him how uncomfortable he made me feel the other night and how I needed some space, which led to him crying and begging me not to leave, which then somehow turned around to him basically calling me a w**** and b****, which then made me cry, which is when he started crying again and apologizing saying he didn’t mean any of it. The next thing I know, I’m agreeing to hang out with him on Sunday…. Like what the f***? Am I dumb?? I can’t help it dude.. I hate seeing him hurt like that and he did say mean s*** and he did make me feel uncomfortable the other night with that whole thing but I genuinely think he cares about me. And I care about him. It sounds f****** stupid, I know. And I know all my friends point out the red flags but I can’t do it. I can’t break him like that. I care about him so much. I’m terrible at expressing it sometimes but it’s true. But on top of all of that, I’m f****** dead dude. I f****** hate it here. Earth f****** s****, I just want to be a tree. A single tree in the middle of an open field with tall grass and a nice spring breeze blowing through my pretty leaves. I’ll be alone but I won’t feel so alone. Because I won’t feel anything. I will just simply exist.
