5 years
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Life just really s**** right now. I’ve gotten so used to being alone I just become comfortable in it. I’d love to say that I’m happy but I genuinely don’t remember a time that I was. This whole pandemic thing just seems to make things worse. The worst part is that I just slowly see myself just fall and I’ve honestly just given up on my life and my future. My parents expect so much from me since I’m the oldest of my siblings. I used to be so full of life and enjoyed going out but now I just want to be alone in the dark. I can never truly tell anyone about how I feel because of the amount of backlash or hate I’d get for it. Everyone would just think I’m weak and that I can’t handle anything for myself. I’ve lost so many if not all my friends and it’s not because of what they did, but because of who I’ve become. I’m just drawn to an endless cycle of not being able to sleep or either not wanting to leave my bed for days. Recently is when I’ve been really thinking about ending my life. I just turned 19 this year and I hate that I’m feeling this way.

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Ex wife refused her punishment. Let s** coach/coordinator know. He was very disappointed in me but told me to let things blow over and he will convince the other married men i kneel for to start coming around again as long as my ex wife stops coming over. Understandably they dont like the risk od her showing up unannounced wanting to see me on my knees again. But he said he and or his son would start visiting my mouth again soon as long as i agreed to changing locks on house and shed where i orally service them. I agreed and he and his son came over with new locks and we divided and conquered changing the locks (without any time on my knees). They told me they had talked and would find another woman to take the son’s virginity with women. They told me that they were telling me this for two reasons. So that my place if i was willing would be the safe space for the son to experience a woman. Father and son also agreed that that experience should be something that the son experience both me and the woman, and then the woman separately, so that the son could decide his own preferences. The father also said that he would like to use my place to put female candidates thru their paces to select the right woman for his son,’s first experiences with a woman. The father even said he was sorry for having to punish me so severely but he did it because i was responsible for bringing my ex wife into all this and putting all the neighborhood hisbands i kneel for at risk. He even said that while he did not see it being the same woman he eventually selects for his son, he was willing to find a female FWB for me to replace my ex wife and told me he understood how it all happened but that i would be happier in the long run without the insane toxicity of my ex being the outlet for my heterosexual side. I have not heard from ex wife since the attempt to convince her to take her punishment for her contribution to the issue and idk when i will hear from her next.