It’s 10 days past the day I said I wouldn’t again. I keep writing confessions here to no avail. This morning I just feel like typing until my fingers fall off. Until the devil goes away. What I want is so easy to obtain, yet I don’t do it. I lack the energy. I lack the self esteem. I settle for the status quo. And about her- I know she doesn’t love me. How could she? Yet she was the closest thing to the perfect g****** the INSIDE that I have come across for me in a very, very long time. Why do I even bother and trouble my mind with you? You’re married. Albeit married and confused. But really I hope that you have fallen in love with him. I sure as hell can’t do it. I can’t even love myself, right? The question is why. I think that out there… I am so easily controlled. I didn’t used to be. I was born with a fire, and they told me to put it out. Little by little, they told me what to wear. They told me how to behave in school. Then they started telling me how s***** I was. Then they started beating on me. Then they started controlling my mind. Then they started throwing products in my face. Then they started shoving me in to this endless tedious job where the only way out is death or retirement. Why are those things so hard to rise above? Why do I let such miserable people wreck me? And you… you sat there typing to me. You were free. You told me- it is ok to again be free. Yet you don’t understand the weight of that. You think it is so simple don’t you? Or maybe, just maybe you don’t. All I know is I want free. If it is the last thing I ever do. Don’t you understand why you were an angel to me? I don’t know where you’re at. I don’t know how many kids you have. I don’t know who you truly love. Just know that whatever love people are after each and every day and can’t seem to find- I found it in you. It was brief, yeah, but very intense. Well that isn’t the whole confession. The whole confession is I have a mountain of responsibility that will come crashing down on top of me once I type the final word. And I don’t have the motivation anymore, because motherfuckers tell me I’m not worth it. Half of you do and half of you don’t give a f***. And I haven’t bought into myself any further than when we were talking. I don’t even know how that is done. How could I buy in, when I have dishonored myself so many times? Have I even done any good out there? I gotta hope so. You know that stain that just can’t be cleaned? That’s how I feel. It doesn’t matter if I keep typing or not, I will still be at square one. That’s why I don’t blame you. Dear God, forgive me for I have sinned. On the inside is a very small soldier fighting to get strong. I have so many reasons to get strong. So much incentive still. Wherever she is at, whatever she is doing- just tell her that someone somewhere doesn’t expect much from her. Just her friendship. I am really haunted. I’m almost disturbed. I just hope that I can break these chains. Really it is a dying wish. To all the people out there struggling and scraping to get by… to all those that just need a different outlook… a will to survive… I love you all. I just can’t… get up. Not today. Hopefully tomorrow. At least I am stopped. And I don’t want your help!!!! Some will understand you have to do this on your own or you don’t do it at all!!!! And now I am angry. Maybe just maybe today is the day.
