I’ve been telling everyone for years that dating is not for me. Im the party girl of the group. The one that drinks too much, does too many drugs, never slows down, doesn’t have emotions. I started dating a guy 9 years older than me. We met at a party, made out, and two weeks later we were dating. He has a kid. I hate that kid because it makes me think of the other women he has been with. I feel like im dating a loser sometimes. He goes out of his way to get me cocaine. I say i like it (part of me does) but i really want someone to say no to me. I feel like I have no control over my actions. I lie to everyone and say i never cry. I cry almost once a week. I feel like im stuck in a progressless motion. Im moving but im getting no where. I lie to my parents everyday. I lie to my friends. My family. Strangers. Deep down i want to be the perfect girl who goes to church and says her prayers but i have no way of getting there. I don’t even know myself or what i want. I just go with the motions these days. I need help, but im too prideful to ask for it. I want to change but im too ashamed of the things I’ve done. Some people deserve whats coming to them i suppose.