I was s******* assaulted by my brother multiple times when I was 8 and 9. I never told anyone. And then religion taught me love was bad and damaged goods were worthless. So I turned it off. I convinced myself and everyone in my life that I was asexual, that I didn’t want love, or a relationship. That way I wouldn’t have to make the decision between women and men. One would make me happy but an outsider, the other to terrify me but keep up the charade. So I chose the third option of no affection. Maybe I can find other ways to be happy. But the third option feels worse now. I desperately crave the affection I’ve been pushing away. But when I think about it, I convince myself it’s too late to tell the truth. I’ve been lying to everyone for so long, what would I do now? Tell everyone about the trauma 14 years ago? What would that do now? I’ve convinced everyone I’m a bad liar, but my biggest lie was my feelings. I cry alone at night because the love I want I will never be able to have, and it hurts so much I can’t breathe. How do you completely tear up your life and tell everyone you’ve been lying your whole life, and then tell them why? You can’t. So I’m telling no one, and everyone on here, and maybe I’ll find something else to love. If I stay distracted with things, and pets, and work, I won’t have the time or energy to cry alone at night anymore.
Well thanks for listening, I love you