I am a trans*man.

Every morning when I would wake up…I would feel anything from disappointment to anger. I just wanted to wake up as myself…or die. There was no other option. Now…I don’t feel a thing. I see all these fantastic transitions and for the longest time, I knew that’s what I wanted too. But I know it’s not ever going to happen for me.

I know that I’m depressed. I know that these eating disorders aren’t helping me. I shouldn’t be so down on myself…I have a home, a family…food on the table, a wonderful girlfriend…the opportunities to pursue my hobbies. But I’m never good enough….I’m never going to be good enough. People have told me I’m good at things or that I’ve helped them somehow….but I never believe them. I know that I’m not a great artist…I know I’ve never been overly athletic. I’m never happy with myself or with anything I do. I feel like a complete and utter waste of oxygen and I wish that circumstances had been different for my parents so that they could have other children. Instead….they’re stuck with me, my medical issues and now my mental issues too.

I feel like I’m losing my mind, slipping into madness. I can’t focus on anything, I can’t even…feel feelings anymore. People are always trying to cheer me up so I continue to fake smiles, nod and say everything is okay. No one needs to know that somewhere deep within me is a horrifying rage and that sometimes, I’d like nothing more than to wipe out a major portion of humanity.

I don’t know how I have friends. I’m not the easiest to get along with in the long term. I’m surprised any of them have stuck around…..if they didn’t, I wouldn’t blame them one bit…it wouldn’t be the first time. I can’t trust people. People always hurt me…and when I can’t take it anymore and I finally snap…suddenly I’m the bad guy. I’m the a****** or I’m the d***.

I just….I hate myself. I hate every single part of myself. My body, my face, my personality….everything. I would give anything to permanently become someone else. Anything but me.