You know, I feel like Charlie Gordon in Flowers of Algernon Siren. When my illnesses are all treated and in remission like this, it’s like I get to see what my life would
be like if I wasn’t born defective. I get to see myself for what I am. I can confront my repressed emotions. I know you don’t approve of the way I’m treating my mental illness now, but I have never
felt more human. This is my authentic self. This is who I want to be all the time. This is me at heart. It’s not a cure, the treatments only last for a while, unless I treat myself at least once a month. I am not under the influence. I am the influence. But this won’t last if I stop. I will slowly lose my mental clarity, and I will be completely self aware as my cognitive ability and executive function declines rapidly whilst my emotional intelligence is quartered.
I will suddenly go from feeling like an enlightened sage with the clarity to know exactly what I need to do, to a f****** loser who hates everyone, who stays up til 5 am watching p********** and then picking on you because I’m mad that I fucked up my life and too stupid to process
my own regrets and emotions. I go from feeling brave, invincible, compassionate and resilient, to feeling helpless and angry, bitter, stuck, and confused. If it werent for this clarity, I would still be in doubt about my feelings for you and my gender identity. Every time I gain relief from my symptoms and re-enter remission, I am immediately faced with the truth of my feelings for you and the crushing realisation of my regrets and failures and cruelty…EVERY TIME. I only realized recently that That’s a good thing. Sometimes pain is there to let you know you need to change, and it will just get worse until you listen. Repressed and denied emotions come out in malignant ways.

I don’t want to hurt you…. So I don’t get to be straight edge. I have to choose between what I’m doing right now(mushrooms, psilosybin, antidepressants, and therapy.) or being an overmedicated zombie full of meth, speed, and antispychotics that knock me out, gave me b**** t***, made me fat as s*** with no appetite, and caused me to gain a permanent eyetwitch. I don’t who that kid was
but he wasn’t me. The third option doesnt work. I’m not just gonna be toxic. I refuse to be toxic. That road was leading me to be institutionalised for the rest of my life, or dead by my own hand. I’m choosing the option that helps everyone instead of the option that helps everyone but me.

I’m sorry if I hurt your self esteem and your self image. I was dehumanising you and saying anything I could to push your buttons because I felt wounded. Be gentle to yourself. You
are a good person. You have a right to exist in any state you want, you have the right to be you, to go where you want, do what you want, be with who you want, to be free. I’m sorry
I tried to control you. Please never censor yourself or stop yourself from doing anything because you’re scared of what I or anyone else will think. You have a right to be happy.
If you ever catch yourself talking nasty to yourself, if you repeat any of the mean things I said to you to yourself, repeat this mantra: “I did nothing wrong. I am human. He is human. He was angry. He lied. He tried to hurt me. I am here. I have a right to exist as I choose. I do not have to justify anyuthing. I saved his life. I inspired him. It does not matter what he thinks anymore.”
I’ll give you a good example of why you should take everything I said mad with a grain of salt, Do you remember when you shaved your head? Do you remember how I made fun of you.
I’ve got news for you, I may prefer you with long colorful dyed hair, but you were still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen with a shaved head. It took me about a week to get over it, but I wanted to hurt you, I couldn’t let you know that I approved, so I turned my empathy into a blade and stabbed you where it hurt, your body dysmorphia. That’s not the only time I’ve done that. The problem with knowing someone well is that you can lift them up, or you can tear them down, and I’m done tearing you down.

Remember, no matter what I said to you at my worst, you inspire me, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are a warrior. You are stronger than anyone gives you credit for. You are stronger than I could ever hope to be. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to get out of bed somedays, and how you must beat yourself up over that. Don’t let anyone else make you feel weak or unworthy. You are so much stronger than you percieve. Your determination and compassion are seemingly boundless wells. But please, try to love yourself first, to treat yourself with the same compassion you treat others. If you’re criticising yourself and want to know if youre being cruel to yourself,
try placing your best friend in your shoes and seeing if that changes how you view the situation. Don’t blame yourself or apologise for things you can’t control, even if other people don’t understand. I understand how hard it is for you to just do the bare minimum to pass as a functioning adult, because it’s so hard for me to, even if it’s for different reasons, and because I have experience loving someone who’s body has been fighting her my entire life. You don’t have to hold yourself to the same standards that society holds everyone else to. That’s not fair to you. That’s not realistic. Stop comparing yourself to the person you think you should be, and forgive yourself for the person you had to be. Give yourself permission to be the person you want to be. Give yourself permission to fall down, and then motivate yourself to recharge and get back up and try again.
Chastise yourself when you talk down to yourself. Catch your internalised ableism in it’s tracks and ring it’s f****** neck. It’s ok to have bad days, what’s easy for other people isn’t always easy for us. That’s not a crime. That’s not something to atone for.
I keep having to correct myself when I call myself a dumbass or catch myself saying I hate my life and gently remind myself that I’m not a dumbass and that my struggles are valid, even if so many people have it so much worse. It was really uncomfortable and unauthentic feeling at first, but it’s actually been working. Invalidating your struggles and beating yourself updoesn’t help you cope with it, it just leads to self hatred and burnout.
You have so much more on your plate than anyone I’ve ever met, and you have had to shoulder that burden from such a young age.
As much as I want to help you, to protect you, to take care of you and shelter you from a world that doesn’t deserve your light, that was never my privilege. F***, it’s honestly pretty condescending and patronising. You are a f****** warrior. I don’t protect you, I’ve never protected you. But you, you saved my life. I can’t f****** weigh you down anymore. If you’re gonna keep coming here and reading my s***, and I cant stop writing it, then I’m at least gonna try to make it therapeutic for both of us. For the first time in perceivable memory, I am optimistic and free of hatred and self doubt. I’m sorry it took me so long to get help. I’m not trying to get out of trouble, I’m not trying to manipulate you, or trick you. I want you to understand where I’m coming from, and to cleanse any corruption that I may have caused. Forgive yourself, often. I will always believe in you, so you can never die. That’s how faeries work right? It’s time for you to take flight. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are a healing soul, an inspiring soul, and I will never forget you. This is a new chapter. Shine on. Consider your dragon slain. This dark knight is determined to job change to paladin.