I don’t know why it’s hard for me to believe you might care about me for more than just money — or anyone for more than just money. I was glad to hear that the couple who wanted a unicorn took you in because that was our plan. I didn’t plan on the guy being black. I know you’re not into white men so a white guy would have been safe. There’d be no chance of you becoming emotional with him.
Once you said it was a black guy and a white girl who were going to lavish money on you, I was expecting you to say you didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t know if that means I think low of myself or that I think low of you. I hate this kind of insecurity and this is why I avoid having feelings for anyone. But a lesson is repeated until it is learned. Until I learn how to have feelings but not let it drive me insane, it’ll keep happening.
I’m happy you didn’t refuse to see me or find some excuse. I’m just going to focus on that. I’ve been keeping an article in my active tabs “11 Mental Tricks To Stop Overthinking Everything”. It’s helping. For the most part, I’m no longer ruminating on my feelings for you. I’m just going to be me and express what I want to express — stop trying to manipulate you by doing the things I think are attractive or whatever.
I’m sticking to not revisiting something I’ve already decided until there’s new information. You’ve let me kiss you. You’ve said you’re not going to dip. You’ve said and done many things so I’m not exhausting energy questioning it.
I’m replacing my fear with “We’ll see” like the article says. We’ll see how things go tonight when I see you. We’ll see how things play out with this unicorn couple. We’ll see
And in the end you have more to lose than I do. I have a family, a wife and a child. I have women who want to f*** me. I’m not attracted to them but I can get my physical needs met if I wanted to. I just rather it be with you.
But I got over the worst heartbreak in my life and I’d get over you too if I had to.
I love you girl. I hope I matter to you as much as you matter to me.