I really want to kill myself. I know how will I do it just don’t know when. I know I´m gonna hurt people that love me. I feel bad but i want them to feel sad and terrible. I love my girlfriend to the grave but I´m scared she doesn´t love me the same. I know she will be rly sad, shocked and hurt. I told her multiple times that I have depression and that I go to the psychiatrist. But it seems like she doesn´t care and I feel like she lets me drown in my own mental state and that makes it even worse. I feel like s*** everyday my moods constantly change I canť focus in school, I think about her all the time, when I’m not thinking about killing myself. I was close to suicide multiple times It doesn´t scare me like it used to do. I´m ready to do it. I´m ready to leave in peace before i blow out and sever all the things I love away from me. I don´t feel like i fit in this world and that i had to be some sort of mistake or something. That when I kill myself all the pain, guilt and shame will be left behind with my body and I´ll be free from all the pain and become just a wondering soul that hurts nobody. every soul understands each other . I want to reach the divine. Tbh i cant wait to see whats behind the veil of death. I hope ill reaunite with the ones i love later. And we will see each other struggles and perspective. Without nothing going on in our lives that would change our perspective and make us jealous and mad at each other. I jsut want to be happy. And I think my gf is the way to happiness. But it seems like thats not the way. She was the random light that could lead me back to the correct path. But once again i found out that I dont fit here. thatnks for reading if you read it all through. I wish you the best in your life. Youre special. be careful.