While everyone is looking forward to spend Christmas with their family and loved ones I only look forward to see my future hubby and am dreading to see my mother and am indifferent to see my brother. My mother once again starts to smother me and 90% of the time bugs me with how s***** her life is and only once in a blue moon asks how I am doing. I rather be left alone by her. I don’t need her. But she clings to me like crazy because of her own insecurities , of her everlasting fear of being rejected by own family. Mom, I am not your mom nor am I any of your siblings. And yes, I am more like them, I like to be more distant and don’t see why I should be mad at them not talking to me, I don’t have any emotional attachment to them. I let them and my brother live their lives.

I am pregnant and am looking forward very much to have a family with my man next year but am also depressed at the same time that I come from such a dysfunctional family. My grandma passed away recently too and I missed out on talking to her for most time of my life because of an unhealthy non-relationship between her and my mother. Once I started to talk to my grandmother after 17 yrs of no contact it felt like treason to my mother. I once was strong enough to withstand that guilt tripping of my mother and wrote my grandmother letters behind her back. And then I stopped writing her. As if I kept myself from it on purpose to show my grandmother how it feels like to be ignored / treated unloved by family. Like a payback for my mother. But that was wrong. Or maybe I tried not to get emotionally attached to a grandmother I hardly ever had anything to do with? I don’t know. But it feels like a bit of balance is lost since she is gone, it felt like at least one person in my family seemed to be normal, someone I am related to that I could relate to somehow on a better level that I ever did and do with my own mother. I am still convinced that only because you are genetically related to each other you don’t have to be there for each other for the rest of your life. For effing sake it’s is pure coincidence with whom you are related to and who brought you into this world. My mother is stressing me the f.. out by clinging on to me like crazy; it sometimes feels she wants to overcompensate for her own mom being so distant but then again I assume that she is less of an adult and never grew up and always is a little scared child looking for love. I once told her that I was not born in order to be there for her forever. Her family history and dysfunctional behavior reflects in my own life. I panic at the thought of having to be harsh to her in order to set up my boundaries again for less contact. I panic at the thought of having to live within reach (2.5 hrs) away of my mother who could have more friends and a real life if she wanted to.
The more she begs for attention the more I distant myself and the more I feel like my grandmother was right to be the way she was. I hate it that I don’t have a normal family. I am ready for therapy. Period. My family of origin wrecked me for quite a while and it has to stop. I feel guilty for having a wonderful man in my life while my mother is lonely EVEN if I know she choses to live this way. Apparently guilt tripping works through passive aggressive remarks as well.

Something must have gone wrong that I am 35 with no career, no full degree yet and a chronic underachiever with a brilliant and sharp mind. Something must have gone right that my man found me and and wants to have a family with me. He and my friends see my true soul.

I am fully aware of it that more distance I have between me and my relatives the better I feel about myself. I have done it before and hence, I dread Christmas because it is the opposite of distance. I should have moved out of Country like a decade ago. Just not to spend holidays with my own folks. How sad is that?