I have been abused since I was 4 till 8yo. I am an adult now, I didnt remember anything till I was 24, my first time searching throught the deep web.
I didn’t actively searched for it, but it just came to me.
I watched those images and I felt strange a mix of horrible disgust and uncontrollable lust. I fapped to it and I wanted to kill myself afterwards, I didnt knew why, it was like I couldnt control it and I went to psychotherapy.
That’s where I discovered I was a victim of abuse by my own father and other random people which he shared me with.
I had to get it all out to control this compulsion to search through the darknet, it was like a powerful drug.
My psychotherapist said it was to regain “control” over those experiences, the control I never had being forced to do those things.
Some people think it is just s** with another human being, but it is not…
You are destroying the very essence of that person. I couldn’t even bring myself to penetrate my very first girlfriend after many times we tried. I even though I was gay, but this wasn’t the case as I couldn’t even bring myself closer to a guy without feeling some sort of disgust.
When I feel pain, when I feel sad, I go back to look for p*** or even darknet p***, because in my mind it is registered that on a strong negative emotion I have to concentrate on s***** pleasure to survive it.
I am still doing therapy to get over it, to stop looking for p********** as a painkiller ( because it is not, it can only get worse ).
Today I looked for darknet p*** once again, I feel guilty about it, and everytime I think that I am not courageous enough to kill myself.
I feel very lonely, even though I do not look like complete garbage, I know deep inside that I am trash. That’s why I cannot bring myself to look for friends or a girlfriend.
I just want to be better, to be stronger, I bringed myself to lose