I am hurting and alone. I am gay and the only 2 guys I have ever loved are now dead. I lived with my first partner for about 3 years and then we broke up and a few years later he killed himself by drowning himself in the Hudson river in New York after drinking a bottle of vodka. He was sick with hiv and I understand that it got so hard for him that he couldn’t take it anymore. My second live in boyfriend and I were together from 2008 to 2012 and he also left Seattle and moved to Sacramento with his new boyfriend. I learned a week ago that he killed himself as well but I have not been able to find out why. It hurts so bad and I cannot stop crying. I was older than both of my boyfriends and was not the soft gentle type they both craved. I was more straight acting and was not into the gay scene like they were. I feel that I did not fight hard enough for our relationships, drank too much and was never into cuddling, or anything romantic. Now I am 52 and alone. Sad, and crying myself to sleep. I get up now and it seems like I have nothing to live for. Like standing in the dark at the edge of a cliff. When I was a boy I never thought my life would end up like this. Just today I heard a song that James and I both liked from Loverboy called Its over on a retro station while I was in the car and I sobbed until I pulled up in the driveway.