i want to have a secret burden to carry and i cant figure out why. i want to be injured and dying on thr ground and i dont know why. i want to be an orphan and i dont know why, my closest theory is that i need help and i think myself undeserving of help because my problems arent big enough. and so my brain wishes my problems were bigger so i would go get help. i dont understand. there is such a vivid feeling of sadness in my chest and i ve lived with it for so long and ive grown addicted to it. i dont want to be happy anymore. i just want to be sad. i want to cry so badly but i havent been able to in years even though my eyes and tears work just fine. i just cant get them out. its like the pain is so great it has gone beyond the point of tears. but somehow this feeling comes and goes. sometimes i am happy and im happy that im happy. i feel like ive been cured. but then this happens again and i am back to the sickeningly sweet feeling of pain in my chest. i almost want to scream. it is sweet to the point that its painful and i feel like im overloading. like im a computer that is overheating.